Do you treat your children. others respectfully?
Do your children treat each other respectfully?
Are your children hitting each other when conflicts occur?
Do you have Home, office, internet rules in place for acceptable behavior?
You may need to call a family meeting to work out problem-solving strategies before rough housing turns to abuse, unacceptable violence
http://unlforfamilies.unl.edu/
Info on Sibling rivalry, young offenders, gangs, mafia, war
(Psalm 133:1 KJV) Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
Sibling rivalry is a type of sinful, selfish competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not.. the sibling bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and people and experiences outside the family. Sibling rivalry is particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender, or where one child is intellectually gifted, or one child has received or attains a bigger inheritance, earning, position, status in life. Adolescents fight for the same reasons younger children fight, Fighting with siblings as a way to get attention, power may increase in adolescence. Events even such as a strained marriage may drive them seriously apart. Sibling Rivalry in the Bible – sample cases: Cain and Abel, Esau and Jacob, and Joseph and his brothers., Leah and Rachel, and today’s counterpart is the conflicts between the Arabs and the Jews, gangs, Mafia
(Prov 15:1 KJV) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
Sibling rivalry, war is the jealousy, competition and fighting between the unloving and/or unloved brothers and sisters firstly, and with others next too. It is a concern for almost all parents of two or more kids. Problems often start right after the birth of the second child. Sibling rivalry usually continues throughout childhood and even adulthood, it can be very embarrassing, frustrating and stressful to parents. There some things parents can do to help their young kids get along better and work through conflicts in positive ways and help you keep the peace at your house.
Sibling rivalry, war is as old as the children of Adam and Eve and is too often recorded now as a sin in the Bible as well that has negative consequences on the persons involved and even others.
The real sad part is that many adults play also this false game still too.. Conquer and destroy!
Sibling rivalry can also be caused by proximity in age. Research suggests that siblings that are within two years’ age of one another tend to have more sibling rivalry than other siblings. Ultimately, sibling rivalry is often caused not only by by blocked goals but by poor personal communication skills, bad or extreme values, just like almost any other sorts of adult conflicts and wars
There are many factors that contribute to sibling rivalry:
-Past and present neglect of the siblings by the parents will top it all.. there are overarching sorts of factors and events that can be, ultimately, the root causes of any sibling rivalry. Knowing what these important factors and events are can help you to not only understand the causes of sibling rivalry, but to deal with sibling rivalry more effectively when it does occur. Some of the most common causes of sibling rivalry tends to be jealousy or selfishness.
-Each child, person is mostly competing to define who they are as an individual. As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests. They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.
-Rejected Children, Adults too feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness.
-Children often may feel their relationship with their parents is threatened by the arrival of a new baby.
-A children’s and an Adult’s developmental stages affect how well they can share your attention and get along with one another.
-Children and adults who are hungry, bored or tired, nervous, stressed out are more likely to start fights.
– Too many Children, adults too do not know positive ways to get attention from their brother or sister, so they pick fights.
– Family dynamics play a serious role here as well when one of the parent neglect one of their children, or shows a false favoring, partiality,. We are reminded this happened in the biblical account of Joseph and his brothers due to his new coat of many colors,
– Children, adults will fight more with each other in families where there is no set bounders, understanding that their fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
– All Families that don’t share enjoyable times together will probably have more family conflict next exasperated by a jealous immoral, insecure, poor self esteem spouse(s) of the siblings now too
– Unresolved Stress, poor health in the parent’s lives will often decrease the amount of still need attention parents give the children and thus increase the sibling rivalry.
– Stress in the children’s lives will next shorten their fuses, and create more conflict, cause significant home, community and even health problems as well
So how the good and bad parents do now still treat their kids, children and how they do now react to conflict will make a big difference in how well siblings get along.
The degree of existence of sibling rivalry, young offenders, gangs tends to show how good of a parent, manager, administrator now you really were, are.
“as many as 53 out of every 100 children abuse a brother or sister, higher than the percentage of adults who abuse their children or their spouse. What some kids do to their brother or sister inside the family would be called assault outside the family. As parents, we may be tempted to ignore fighting and quarrelling between children. We may view these activities as a normal part of growing up. We say, “Kids will be kids” or “They’ll grow out of it.” However, thousands of adult survivors of sibling abuse tell of the far-reaching negative effects that such unchecked behavior has had on them as children and adults. Children often abuse a brother or sister, usually younger than themselves, to gain power and control. One explanation for this is that the abusive child (generally with a poor self esteem) feels powerless, neglected and insecure. He or she may feel strong only in relation to a sibling being powerless. The feeling of power children experience when they mistreat a brother or sister often reinforces their decision to repeat the abuse “ http://www.sasian.org/papers/rivabuse.htm
– Tell them that being self centered, selfish, concerned only about their own needs, desires is still an unacceptable sin, negative approach.
– Don’t play favorites or refuse to forgive, do not take sides as well. Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs.
– Never compare your children.
– Don’t typecast. Let each child be who they are. Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them
– Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete.
– Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other.
– Don’t yell or lecture. It really won’t help at all..
– Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. and next also act upon it positively. They seek the parent’s help first often, They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel. “When parents falsely unwisely crash, jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one). This escalates the conflict, because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that they can get away with more since the parent is “on their side.” ”
– Celebrate your children’s differences, positive aspects and not mainly their negatives.
– Let each child know they are still unique and special— accept them, you love and care for them, just for whom they are.
– Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.
– If you are constantly angry at your kids, no wonder they are angry at each other! Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your children how to manage theirs.
– learn, Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.
– Personally Model good conflict resolution skills for your kids.
– Try to Involve your children in setting ground rules.
– Enforced Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles. Siblings often do fight for a number of reasons:
-They fight because they want a parent’s or other person’s attention, especially where the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give.
-They fight because they are selfish, jealous: “He got a new bike. I didn’t. They must love him more than they love me.”
-They even fight over ordinary teasing which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: “He called me…” “But she called me…first.”
-They fight because they are growing up in a competitive, aggressive, self centered, worldly, dog eat dog, society that falsely teaches them that to get it, to win is to be better than to be the loser. “I saw it first.” “I beat you to the water.”Lessons about jealousy, competition, sharing and kindness are difficult to learn, and, indeed, even many adults still still haven’t learned them. Too many adolescent may not recognize, admit still their needs or may be too embarrassed to express them verbally, so their ongoing fighting with siblings is a way to get their needs, personal attention which often next actually increase in adolescence life.
-Set aside some time to be alone with each child?
-Recognize that each child is different?
-Make sure your adolescents realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths?
-Praise adolescents for being who they are and not just for what they can do?
-Avoid initiating competition among children?
-Realize adolescents and younger children need to be given the right also to decide not to share at least some of the time?
-Be sure older children are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because “he’s little” or “she doesn’t know better?”
-Talk positively to the adolescents about their fighting?
-Falsely encourage, promote the sibling fighting?So the still mostly useless Albertan Prime Minister Stephen Harper and federal Justice Minister Rob Nicholson MP want to get tough on the young offenders, instead of on the parents, show to us all how ignorantly they are and very poor parents now too.. They clearly themselves firstly need to be educated.Resolving the Conflicts requires still anger management too and :
Admitting, recognizing the stress issue.
Effectively dealing with the issue in a positive manner… For the matters left on their own to be resolved tend to get worse and not better
The instinctive, natural way it seems is merely to immediacy, feel anger, to express our anger and to to respond immediately aggressively as well.. not much self control obvious.. as opposed to a planed, deliberate, calculated, thought our approach.
When you are angry, you probably feel:muscle tension
accelerated heartbeat
a “knot” or “butterflies” in your stomach
changes in your breathing
trembling
goose bumps
flushed in the face
You can reduce the rush of adrenaline that’s responsible for your heart beating faster, your voice sounding louder, and your fists clenching if you:
Take a few slow, deep breaths and concentrate on your breathing.
Imagine yourself at a better place, the beach, by a lake, or anywhere that makes you feel calm and peaceful.
Try other thoughts or actions that have helped you relax in the past.
“Calm down.”
“I don’t need to prove myself.”
“I’m not going to let him/her get to me.”
This often Aggressive Anger is a response to our perceived threats; it inspires powerful, often visible feelings and behaviors. But we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and for most of us our own common sense places valid limits on how far our anger can take us.
Stop. Consider the consequences. Think before you act. Try to find positive or neutral explanations for what that person did that provoked you. Learn to recognize what sets you off and how anger feels to you. Learn to think through the benefits of controlling your anger and the consequences of losing control. Control your own behavior, don’t let anger control you.
Identify the problem, problem behavior. Isolate it from the emotions associated with it and evaluate it. How often does it happen and how long can it go on? What is the purpose of the behavior? If it tears down another person, it is abusive. If you suspect abuse, it’s important to act quickly to stop it. Do not hesitate to bring it into the open, to expose it next to all for what it really is, unacceptable abuse. Get enough fact and feeling information to assess the problem accurately. Restate the problem to make sure you understand it clearly. Figure out alternative solutions to the problem.
We face a choice to deal with their angry feelings such as expressing our anger, suppressing our outrage, and submissiveness, calming Ourselves, controlling our outward behavior, but also controlling our internal responses, taking steps to lower our heart rate, calm yourself down, and letting the emotional feelings subside.
Assertiveness is expressing our anger in love ,without hurting others. Being assertive here doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger turned inward may cause next hypertension, high blood pressure, a self pity complex, or depression.
” Unexpressed specific anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships. ”
Anger management reducing both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can’t always get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions, and express, act in a positive manner, for the good of all.
It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to deal with and to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Remind yourself that merely getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). You need to focus on the problem and deal with it effectively;
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic, Such as ” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Normal people tend expect : fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness, congenital agreements. The first best attitude to bring to such a problem situation, then, is not to focus on solely now finding the solution, but rather firstly on how you handle and face the problem.
Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them. For example, make it clear you will not put up with name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, provoking, cheating, lying, stealing, bullying, physical abuses, intimidations and you will firmly deal with it too. Living with bad, fighting adolescent siblings is not pleasant. Clearly show all of the adolescents the cost of fighting is higher than the falsely expected reward.
Next tell of the trouble makers, bad adolescents that while it’s normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets you and you value peace at home. You also can can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings’, adolescents disputes, wars and you merely will not stand for it, put up with it and stand by the resolution with firm action!
Timing: use a controlled, well thought out response to Control the event on your own time, and don’t merely be hastily suckered into facing, dealing with it unprepared. Also now do Give yourself a regular break from the conflicts, stressful situations. Make sure always too you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day, the place that you know are particularly stressful. One’s Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the set “trap” you seem again to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Sometimes it’s our unavoidable immediate surroundings that give us continual, ongoing, unavoidable cause for irritation and fury. If need be do next Remove yourself permanently from the environment, for your own good health firstly . One does not have to put with with these mostly false conflicts forever.
Set clear consequences for broken rules. What will happen if they break the rules? For example, one husband told his wife he would no longer spoil his wife, indulge in all of her false whims, desires, abuses, but next would not merely give her two alternative choices beforehand, one would lead to a reward, one whole lead to negative personal consequences for her. Choice one – resolve the conflicts peacefully, amiably. Or if she continued to cause false problems, fighting he would merely fire her, terminate the relationship, divorce the marriage. He next was forced to take the second alternative.
Do not hesitate to Remove yourself from the problem behavioral person, or remove the root cause of the problem child , adult
The angered people tend to jump to-and act on-conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you’re in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying cause of your anger. It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticized, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger-or a partner’s-let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Instead of doing nothing, which postpones the inevitable anyway. Seek, get sound advice, the valid opinion of others too. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach the conflicts, fight it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Remember, you can’t eliminate anger-and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling effectively your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
Negative Results of unchecked Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Abuse : Thousands of adult survivors of sibling abuse can readily tell of the far-reaching negative effects that such unchecked behavior has had on them as children and even as adults. For instance, one person, reflecting back on their relationship with a brother wrote: “I believed EVERYTHING my brother told me. Even if it was lies to make himself look better. Children and adults often still do wrongfully abuse a brother or sister to falsely try to gain power and control.
Hey it is just classical psychology that If you notice the following warning signs in a person over a period of time, the potential for increased unacceptable physical violence by them next also exists:
a history of aggressive, abnormal, offensive behavior
serious drug or alcohol abuse
gang membership or strong desire to be accepted by the gang, to be in a gang
threatening others regularly
trouble controlling feelings like anger
withdrawal from good friends and from the normal, usual, acceptable activities
visibly feeling rejected or alone
having been a victim of bullying, or now being a bully themselves
poor school or job performance
history of discipline problems or frequent run-ins with authority
feeling constantly disrespected
failing to acknowledge the feelings rights of others
or failing to acknowledge the abuse of others
access to or fascination with weapons, especially guns
When you recognize these unacceptable future increased violence warning signs in someone else deal with it. Hoping that someone else will deal with the situation is still false way out.
Be safe. Don’t spend time alone with people who show any of these warning signs and remove the person from the situation that’s setting them off.
The most important thing to remember is don’t go it alone. Expose the matter to others as well.
Even verbal abuse left unchecked, unrestrained next tends to escalate and leads to real, unacceptable physical abuses.
11 Tips for Coping with Personal unresolved Stress
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
The prayers of Saint Francis of Assisi
1. First Concentrate on the present. You cannot change the past, but you can work on having a better future
Don’t needlessly, continually dwell on the past or worry about a future you cannot control. Have a positive and not a a negative, defeatist attitude now as well
2. Consider, Admit and deal with your past, present problems one at a time. First personally define, Write down those things that Bother you, do Number them, and do decide what you can and cannot do abut them too . Prioritize as well Decide which ones are still important and which ones are no longer important to deal with.
If there are lots of items you want to change, start by focusing on one or two of the most bothersome or dangerous ones. Don’t try to make too many changes all at once. Don’t merely lump your complaints, problems together, it can make them seem overwhelming.
Remember
Anger and aggression are different. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration; while aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.
Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. We must be careful to tell the difference between behavior that indicates emotional problems and behavior that is normal. Convert aggression to assertiveness, actions done in love as well.
3. Take positive action. Do review all of your options, such as writing a letter of complaint to the right party, in detail reporting the matter so you do not have to have it repeated on you.
Make sure you have realistic expectations, goals, approaches too. Once you’ve decided what you want to do about a problem, act consistently quickly , firmly and follow up on it too.
4. Don’t merely complain about your problems . Continually complaining is wasteful, and seriously for a stat don’t expect only others alone to resolve them, deal with them yourself .
Talk things over with your family and good friends. Look for the positive, possible, practical solutions.
5. Occupy yourself and your mind. Determine what you can and cannot do, how much time you should spend on it, also do go on with your life
Social interaction, alternative activities can help during a time of stress by not continually focusing on the problem
6. Don’t just blame the other people for your problems and their failure at Resolving them – be an active part of the solution yourself if need be
Frustrated hostility will accomplish nothing and can only make and feel worse.
7. Exercise every day.
Go for a walk and concentrate on your surroundings instead of just on your problems.
8. Maintain a daily routine. even if you are unemployed, retired, but do not get into a continual rut as well
I have often helped many a poor, depressed person, not by any medications, but by simply by changing their daily normal activity routine, and next by taking them for a drive into the country, or taking them to see a good film, a comedy, or Giving them some good movies to watch, or by me taking them to a fine food restaurant, or by me taking them for a long walk through unfamiliar surroundings.. and it worked.. it actually next had broke them out of their long term depression.
Can’t change positively the person? try first changing their surroundings, environment temporarily?
A familiar pattern of daily activates can decrease stress and increase your sense of security. Be willing to make a change once a while as well.
9. Avoid taking your problems to bed. Try to forgive and forget.
Clear your mind of the days thoughts so you can get a good night sleep.
10. Talk to your adequate health care provider, helper. Pick and choose, for remember there are still good and bad professionals.
She/he can help you find the right agency or person(s) to assist you in coping with stress.
With God on your side you will always be a winner
St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer in praise of God
You are holy, Lord, the only God,
and Your deeds are wonderful.
You are strong.
You are great.
You are the Most High.
You are Almighty.
You, Holy Father are King of heaven and earth.
You are Three and One, Lord God, all Good.
You are Good, all Good, supreme Good,
Lord God, living and true.
You are love. You are wisdom.
You are humility. You are endurance.
You are rest. You are peace.
You are joy and gladness.
You are justice and moderation.
You are all our riches, and You suffice for us.
You are beauty.
You are gentleness.
You are our protector.
You are our guardian and defender.
You are our courage. You are our haven and our hope.
You are our faith, our great consolation.
You are our eternal life, Great and Wonderful Lord,
God Almighty, Merciful Saviour.
2 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.
3 Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.
4 Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.
5 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy?
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
11 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.
12 There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?
13 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:
14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
15 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.
16 But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.
17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.
5:1 Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you.
2 Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are motheaten.
3 Your gold and silver is cankered; and the rust of them shall be a witness against you, and shall eat your flesh as it were fire. Ye have heaped treasure together for the last days.
http://stayinhealth.wordpress.com
http://thefocusonthefamily.wordpress.com
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/sibriv.htm
http://thefocusonthefamily.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/verbal-abuse-is-always-unacceptable-too/
Fret not!
Perhaps the best thing for preserving marriage
there still can be a good life after divorce
Abstainers
The danger of excessive…
Marriage
Focusing on the Family
Changing yourself first, positively
The too common abusive silent treatment
Messed up…
The false divorce incentives
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